some of Henning Wehn's newsletters

August, 2012


Dear Friends of German Comedy,

I hope you’ve been enjoying the Games so far.

I know I have. Not least as this time, unlike at the last London Olympics in 1948, Germany is invited.

Back then, and not for the last time, a bankrupt, war-knackered Britain had to cobble together an Olympics made more difficult by the fact the previous Olympics had been so spectacular.

Undisputed highlight of 2012 so far was the German eventing team winning gold just ahead of Zara Phillips and her friends, which in a way made it a German 1-2.

Other than that, the Fatherland’s medal exploits have been rather disappointing. Just like at Euro 2012 our mentally weak athletes are not able to cope with pressure.

Very much unlike Team GB who just keeps on winning. And as if Britain’s excellent medal haul this time wasn’t enough, there’ll be an even bigger one at the Commonwealth Games 2014 in Glasgow.

The Commonwealth Games, where British fulltime athletes compete against the finest postmen, plumbers and bus drivers from Montserrat, Dominica and the Virgin Islands.

It’s like the first round of the FA Cup all the way through.

In the history of the Commonwealth Games Wales has won 51 gold medals. And we can all safely agree if Wales won 51 gold medals it’s not a proper sporting competition. 

In the 2006 Commonwealth Games in Melbourne there was one event that had too few participants to merit a bronze medal: women’s double trap pair. It’s some sort of pigeon shooting, which in itself is a right nonsense.

Just blow up the nest. That’s got to be maximum score.

So, that’s enough ill-informed and badly linked nonsense for one month.
I have to get back in front of the telly to watch some more random sport no-one will care about once the football season is underway. (which can’t be soon enough to be honest)

Have a great month!

Henning






October, 2012

Dear Friends Of German Humour...

 

Every month I’m dreading having to write a new bulletin. Mind you, I’m not dreading the writing half as much as the actual sending-out process. Usually some people get it four times, others not at all. And everyone gets diamonds where there should be apostrophes. I’ve now shelled out for a new mail-out programme. Let’s hope it works. Apparently it’s now possible to add photos and all but let’s not get carried away. I can’t have been the only one utterly surprised this week to read that Tooting is home to the highest earners in the UK. According to the Wealth of the Nation 2012 report, the average annual income is now £66,100, beating Knightsbridge and Chelsea. This can mean one of four things. A) There’s a lot more money in running late night kebab joints than I thought. B) The borders of Tooting have been gerrymandered so they stretch all the way to Barnes. C) It’s all nonsense. Or, most likely, D) JK Rowling has moved into the area to write her next gritty novel about the thorough decency of the lower class. I will definitely keep an eye out for her down the Lahore on Tooting Broadway after pub closing time. In preparation I’ll also read her new book so I can break the ice by going “I’ve read your book” or, in case she needs reminding, “You’ve written a book”. Or if I want to play with her mind “Haven’t you written a book?” But before I read The Casual Vacancy I first have to finish Dietmar Hamann’s The Didi Man, describing his journey from growing up in Munich to becoming a Liverpool institution. It’s absolutely riveting but, when I read it, I struggle with what accent to do in my head. I’ve decided to read the bits when it’s all going hunky-dory in Bavarian. Once the wheels come off and he starts drinking and gambling I switch to Scouse. So far that does feel right. But back to Ms Rowling: I really admire her for being such a positive role model what with having been a single mum yet having succeeded. Certainly much better than Kate Middleton, who shows nothing but contempt for ordinary British women. For years British girls have been taught that the only way to have a fulfilled life and a successful career is by having photos of their tits published. Now Kate Middleton is lucky enough to be given that very opportunity and she fights tooth and nail against it. What an ungrateful, spoilt brat! Talking of people who are a national disgrace: October marks the 22nd anniversary of West Germany paying for East Germany. And of late the rest of Europe, too. We can’t go on like this! Only last week Martin Kaymer felt the need to credit his fellow Europeans after he single-handedly won the Ryder Cup. Where is it all going to end? Most likely in a spam filter. Have a great month Henning