The Godly (pt.1)

The Godly

The year is 1510. The setting is a large town in Germany. The stench of burning heretics hangs thick in the air with the sweat and plague. We find ourselves in the local monastery, the centre of theological and academic thought. The proverbial coalface of mans quest for salvation.

Scene: monastery room, Brother William enters, Abbott Edwin is seated at desk

Edwin: Ah, hello there Brother William, I trust you’re well, please be seated my son

William: [sits] So, Abbott, have you had time to consider what I said at last week’s meeting yet?

E: Well, I’ve been very busy this week, I’ve been helping Brother Henry to copy out Corinthians. He’s a talented lad, but he does lack patience – he tends to rush his work. He got through the illustrations for an entire page in just one day – hopelessly sloppy, although he certainly came up with some interesting little doodles. Would you like to have a look at some of his latest ones?

W: Not really, I’m a bit pressed for time.

E: Nonsense my boy, you really must take a look at some of his drawings of Hell [rummages around in a drawer, produces papers] Here you go – look at the expressions on the faces of those adulterers! Oh my! I hadn’t noticed this before – that demon’s jerkin is made entirely from human bones – now that’s the kind of attention to detail this monastery needs if we’re going to keep the peasants afraid of Hell.

W: Well, it’s interesting you should say that, but if you recall, last time we met, I suggested that it might be more beneficial if, instead of making all these drawings of blasphemers being sodomised and what-have-you, we were to translate a Bible into German so that some of the common people could actually read it.

E: Well, naturally I recall your suggestions, but as I said at the time, we can’t just turn our backs on a thousand years of Church tradition like that. Now, how have you been getting on with your cucumber sessions?

W: My cucumber sessions?

E: [irritated] Yes, your cucumber sessions – remember? Last week, I handed out cucumbers to all the younger monks so that you could try and ascertain whether or not they had souls! The week before that, it was cabbages, and last month I believe we had a go with onions. No great insights so far admittedly, but given time, I feel this experiment should give us some quite interesting results.

W: Oh, those sessions. Well, I kept the cucumber next to my candle for overnight observation, and nothing really happened, so I gave it to Brother Ludwig in exchange for some of the homebrew and those dirty woodcuts.

E: Oh William [sighs]. You know Brother Ludwig can’t be trusted to partake in cucumber sessions. He means well, but he’s given to, um, ungodly ways.

W: Do you want me to get it back off him then?

E: Heavens, no – as far as I’m concerned, that cucumber is his now – we can only hope that it rots quickly, for the sake of Ludwig’s soul… Anyway, you’ll be glad to hear, William, that I have an interesting new assignment for you this week. The monastery is expecting a visit from a group of pilgrims, and I’m putting you in charge of their welfare…