Jacko is gone, but don't stop 'til YOU get enough!

As much as he was a baby dangling wax nosed lunatic, Michael Jackson has provided us with some hits in the past. Although the likes of Smooth Criminal and Bad might well be on regular rotation on your minidisc players and you can do the Thriller dance to your grandma, it is his song Liberian Girl that we should most remember and thank him for.

Not only does this song address the shameful under appreciation of women in American pop music but it can really help you pull the ladies! There is no doubt that when you first meet a woman she appreciates being serenaded and what better way to do this than to relate it directly to her.

Hoping she’s unaware of the song, singing Liberian girl to a woman outside a Monrovian cocktail bar will impress her no end – lyrical dexterity is sexy. ‘But what do I do if she’s not Liberian?!’ asks the reader, don’t worry. She may well be an employee of your local council library, stacking books and  labelling things – if this is the case, catch her shelving and slide your head through the books and sing Librarian girl. A sure fire charm.

Of course, this is a fairly unlikely scenario because most librarians are not worth singing to. If you are, more probably, trying to catch the attention of the love of your life who you’ve spotted collecting stones in the deserted tundra grasslands, just jog over to her, get down on your knees and with outstretched arms sing Siberian girl.

Again, the chances of being out in the tundra alone and finding the love of your life are slim, it is even less likely that your first thoughts would go to and try and charm her but it’s a mad world.

You may live in the UK, perhaps around the Norwich area and not used to seeing a breathing bipedal female you snap up the opportunity to woo her into your nest or hive. Seeing her in the fields ploughing and scattering, collecting potatoes for the harvest and chopping barley corns may well turn you on, in this case Agrarian girl is undoubtedly the song for you.

Ok, I admit, that was stupid and totally unlikely. But how about something a bit more probable? You’re out at the local market getting the weeks quinces in and you spy an absolute grade one hotty ranting about church hierarchy round by the mule depot. ‘I hate the pope and all that!’ she screams, it's really getting your juices flowing. All you got to do is slide up to her and sing the aural aphrodisiac that is Presbyterian Girl.

Etc.